Simon Says…

“Why wouldn’t you do that?”

“I am your best customer and your worst customer. You choose which.”

“If you treat me well, I tell everybody! If you treat me badly, I tell everybody!”

“You say the glass is half full. I say ‘Where’s the other half?’”

“Treat every customer as if they were your only customer.”

“I’m a professional pain the ass!”

“Don’t over-think each testimonial. Over-think your testimonial system.”

“The Scotty principle: underpromise, overdeliver”

“You can’t change what others do. You can only change what you do that might affect the way they respond.”

“If your store is empty it’s not about price. It’s because you haven’t given people a reason to go there.”

“A problem is just a challenge to overcome. Every problem has a solution.”

“No is not an acceptable answer.”

“I was put on this Earth to challenge.”

“Did you get the customer’s testimonial?”

“Does your phone not make outgoing calls?”

“That’s my money I’m spending and if I don’t get what I was promised and paid for, then I want my money back.”

“Don’t let this accent fool you. When necessary, I’m from Missouri. Show me!”

“Sell your hotel to Motel 6 and then no-one will be disappointed.”

“Fail! Fail! Fail!”

“This place is being run by the sales prevention team.”

“Congratulations! You just lost a customer!”

“How do you spell my name? Correctly!”

“Assumption is the mother of all f*%$ ups!”

“Sorry, why is tonight different? Because it’s Wednesday? Is it Passover? I don’t get it.”

“My friend and his empty glass in your bar says two things: 1 – He’s a buyer. 2 – He’s a proven buyer. So please, for heaven’s sake, SELL HIM A DRINK! NOW!”

“The General Manager said ‘I don’t know what else I can do’. He suffers from a lack of imagination.”

“If your staff don’t know how to earn a tip, there’s a whole bunch of unemployed people who are eager and willing to learn.”

“Take one frying pan and apply percussive maintenance to head. Repeat as necessary.”

“You’re asking me what I think you should do to make me a happy customer? Don’t make me think about it. Impress me!”

“If you only hear from irate customers, it means you have a bigger problem than you realize.”

“Your slogan is telling your prospective customers ‘We haven’t gone bust yet’.”

“The phrase ‘service is optional’ isn’t supposed to mean that you decide whether or not I’m going to get any.”

“There’s no such thing as good customer service or bad customer service. Either I’m getting customer service or I’m not. Period.”

“A jug shouldn’t need instructions.”

“Fix it.”

“Q3 of next year? If I ran this place, it would be done by Friday.”

“Hoping and praying is not a strategy for success.”

“How do they clean such a big hotel bath-tub? Oh. Someone else’s hairs. They didn’t clean it.”

“You guys are missing a trick. Rent me a Segway because I’ll pay for it!”

“You lost me at ‘Hello’.”

“I waited 25 minutes to check in. That’s about 24 and a half minutes too long.”

“Press 2 to kill yourself.”

“You are brilliant and you gave me outrageous service. And you want me to answer a computerized survey. Are you nuts?”

“I refuse to do self-service checkouts. Next, they’ll have us stacking the shelves and working the loading dock. I’m sticking up for YOUR job!”

“What is your strategy for achieving that?”